(Sequence is flawed; re-organize your ideas.)  
 All your ideas are relevant to your thesis, but you need to organize them more logically.  Make sure that each paragraph has a topic sentence and that everything in that paragraph supports that topic sentence.  If there are sentences that don't relate directly to the central idea of the paragraph, think about 1) moving that idea to another paragraph, 2) creating a paragraph for it if the idea is important enough and there is no paragraph that discusses it already, or 3) deleting that sentence if it is not part of your argument.
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Punctuation & Capitalization

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